Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
