quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
