How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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