Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
