I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
