You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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