is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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