yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
