I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
