how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
