Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
