I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
