She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
