my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize