I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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