i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
