We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Never let your siblings swipe right.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
