Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
