The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize