Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
