everyone is single if you try hard enough
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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