dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
