Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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