I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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