I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
