This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
