Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Fuck appropriateness.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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