look no pants
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
