Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I will pee on everything he values.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
