I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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