you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize