I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
