Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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