tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
