I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
did i just pee glitter
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
