He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize