so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize