i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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