it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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