it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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