searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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