It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
