My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
