No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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