i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I had to cum in my sink.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize