How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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