You made me cry and you don't even care
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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