I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
