I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
