That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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