one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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