Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
