u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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