I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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