im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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