she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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