I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
