i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
