Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
